Helping a spouse with clinical depression or anxiety
When your spouse or partner is struggling with anxiety or depression, it can be really difficult to know how to help. You want to encourage them and help out in ways you can, but you also know that you cannot fix everything. You may also be struggling yourself with feeling like you’ve “lost” the person you love. You’re not alone in this situation - let’s talk about it!
First, let’s differentiate between occasional sadness or fear and clinical depression or anxiety. Everyone struggles now and again with the difficult feelings of sadness, fear, or uncertainty, but clinical depression/anxiety looks different and lasts longer. Someone with depression experiences a continuous low mood, may have trouble getting out of bed, may not enjoy things they used to, and has trouble eating or taking care of themselves. They may also experience more anger and irritability, this is especially common in men. Someone with clinical anxiety may have trouble concentrating, experience somatic symptoms such as heart palpitations or nausea, have trouble sleeping, or have a sense of impending doom. Of course, as a spouse, you cannot diagnose your partner, but knowing the difference between clinical anxiety or depression and occasional fear or sadness is important for helping them.
Your role When someone is experiencing anxiety or depression, they need to know they have an ally in their partner and that you are not going to abandon them because of it. As a spouse, you can emphasize your care for them and that you love them in the midst of their struggles.
It can be difficult to know what to say to them to help. When talking with your spouse, emphasize care over trying to “fix” them. It can be difficult because you want to help! However, it’s important to remember that you cannot change them or fix their anxiety or depression, but you can help and support them. Here’s some things to avoid saying, and some things to say instead.
Instead of… “Get out of bed, it’ll make you feel better.”
Try saying… “I know it feels hard to get out of bed today. Is there anything I can do to make it feel more possible?
Instead of… “Stop worrying, it’s not helping anything.”
Try saying… “I can tell that __ is causing you a lot of worry. Do you think it would be helpful to talk it through together?”
Instead of… “Your depression hasn’t been easy on me either.”
Try saying… “I wanted to let you know that I’ve been feeling a bit down and isolated lately too. It’s not your fault, and I wanted to talk about ways for us to both feel better. I’m with you.”
Instead of… “I totally understand what you’re going through.”
Try saying… “I’ve never experienced exactly what you’re experiencing and cannot fully understand, but know that I want to try because I care for you. I want you to know that you’re not alone.”
Besides talking things through with them, what else can you do to help?
Encourage them to participate in things they enjoy, and help remove barriers to those things if needed. If they love cooking but can’t make it to the grocery store, schedule a grocery pickup. If they want to hang out with friends but are anxious or feeling exhausted about reaching out, schedule a game night.
Help them to take care of their body- moving, eating wholesome foods, and getting outside. This can even be in the simplest of ways, such as sitting on the porch for 10 minutes, walking down the driveway to get the mail, or stretching their muscles before bed. If they are on medication for their symptoms, you can help them create systems that make it easier to remember to take it daily.
Explore with them what getting help could look like - how do they feel about therapy? Be careful to not push this on them, but be curious about their thoughts and feelings around it. It can be difficult to ask for help in this way. If they’re open to therapy, you can help them with looking for one and with scheduling. This can be daunting and having a partner to help can make a huge difference!
Your own wellbeing
Finally, know that if you are really struggling as you are walking alongside a spouse with clinical depression or anxiety, that it is completely normal. Know that your wellbeing matters too. Seek out trusted friends to talk about how you are doing, and make time for your own wellbeing through activities you like. You may want to seek out therapy for yourself as well, because handling this can be difficult, exhausting, and isolating. Remember that you are a huge support to your spouse, but take the pressure off of yourself to “fix” them. You will both benefit from you taking care of yourself.
