Tips to Better Connect With Your Child from One Dad to Another
Growing up, my dad always invited me to tag along with him on weekends or during the summer, and I learned so much about life through our time together, but my experience with my dad was not my sister’s experience. As it turns out, men and women communicate very differently, shocking, I know. But while my sister and I have different memories of our dad’s parenting model, we always knew that we were loved because he was there for us.
While I’d like to think that my two daughters feel the same about me, I can admit that my delivery and methods of communication have failed to express my love for them on many occasions, and luckily, they aren’t afraid to tell me when I have missed the mark. They even weighed in on a few things they think all parents should know.
Here are a few things I have learned along the way (sometimes the hard way) to help as we all navigate fatherhood together.
1 - Laughter can be very therapeutic; humor can be very traumatic.
“You don’t want to be your child’s first bully.” My wife said to me last week. We were playing tennis at the beach, my daughter missed a shot, and I laughed. That’s just what guys do; but it doesn’t make it ok. Even if you have a son, don’t do it.
Don’t make fun of your kids.
Definitely laugh with them, just never at them.
Be very aware of your impression on them.
I have heard it said, “Be careful what you say to your child because you will become the voice in their head as they grow.” (i.e., you’re not good enough, you’re not loveable, you’re a failure, you’re helpless, you’re defective, you’re inadequate, you’re inferior, you’re insignificant, etc.)
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Not understanding the way your communication is being received by your child can damage your relationship with them.
2 - Encourage and build up, don’t tear down.
Rather than asking questions, many people (especially guys) make fun of things they don’t understand. For me, it’s joking about why girls take hours to get dressed or want to take selfies all the time. Whatever it is, and even if you’re at a total loss…
Don’t make fun of things you don’t understand.
Don’t embarrass your children.
Seek to connect, not disrespect.
I have learned that simply being curious invites them into conversation and models humility that I might not always know everything. Asking questions about their world means that perhaps our kids can teach us a thing or two which empowers them and help them feel important and connected.
3 - Schedule time to be intentional.
I spent most of my career working my tail off to ensure my kids got good presents. Guess what? What they actually wanted was my presence.
As a parent, it is easy to want to give your children everything they want, but as a result, we work harder and give them less of what they need, our undivided attention. My best advice on this…
Connect on their terms.
As a dad to daughters, who don’t particularly like to do things I like, I have found it easier to connect with them doing what they like. My oldest likes to play tennis and go out to eat, and my youngest likes to shop. I have found that meeting them in their interests has given me a deeper, richer relationship with both.
When you meet them where they are children feel pursued and loved and may share more with you as you build that relationship.
4 - Keep turning towards them.
If turning to them is not something you have been good at, you must understand that you may experience rejection in your efforts to connect at first. No one enjoys rejection, but continue to turn toward them and ask them to join. Eventually, they will accept your invitation because they desire your attention.
Don’t place unrealistic expectations on interactions with your children. Allow them to connect with you in the ways they want.
They will share what they want to and feel safe doing so as your relationship grows.
5 - Consider how you like to be communicated with.
Think back to your own childhood experience (or even now). How do you like to be told something critical or constructive? How do you like to have “hard or emotional” conversations? Also, consider when the best time to have them is. Keeping this little tool in my pocket is helpful to me before having any conversations of relative importance in my household. Ask yourself if your kids are…H.A.L.T.S (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, or Stressed) before proceeding. And always:
Stay calm and patient.
Respond versus react.
Talk it out at their eye level.
Learn how to apologize (I have to be reminded of this a lot).
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Growing and learning together creates an environment where both parent and child are free to communicate, apologize and keep growing.
6 - Seek wise counsel.
There is always someone out there who has gone before as a parent and may be able to speak into your relationships.
Look around at parents who have raised well-adjusted kids and ask questions.
Find friends who are like-minded in your beliefs and values and parent together.
Talk it out with a counselor.
It’s always great to bring many voices of wisdom to the table. It’s been said of parenting, “it takes a village,” and this certainly rings true for me.
7 - Let them know they are loved.
In many ways, the cultural narrative of the past shaped what raising boys vs. girls should look like, which more than likely led to the difference in my sister’s and my experience with my dad. But now, as a father of two daughters and husband of twenty years, I have learned that one of the most important parts of loving another person is to interact and communicate with intention, no matter who you are in a relationship with.
Parenting is hard work, but it is also the most rewarding thing you can pour your time into.
As we teach our children it is important to recognize that we are learning to be fathers for the first time too.
Parent coaching is another great resource for improving parenting skills. Parent coaching equips parents with tools to create a peaceful home environment and to handle the ebbs and flows of parenthood.
Meet the Author & Simplify Counselor
I’m Andy, I focus on helping men confront life’s challenges with courage, confidence, and simplicity in addressing anxiety, depression, stress management, and family conflict.
Click here to learn more about the benefits of parent coaching and if it may be right for you.
Andy Batcheller, BA.
Counseling Associate
