Have you ever wondered why some people seem perfectly comfortable with closeness and intimacy in relationships, while others struggle to open up or tend to push others away? The answer may lie in something called attachment styles. As a counselor, I often see how these unconscious patterns, which form in childhood, can show up in adult relationships—especially in dating.

What are attachment styles and how do they show up in dating?

Attachment styles are ways in which we relate to others, formed in childhood mainly by how our caregivers interacted with us. We formed these ways of being in relationships based on how secure and taken care of we felt by those who were in charge of our well-being. You may find yourself relating heavily with one of these, but it is also common to notice yourself secure in some dating relationships while feeling anxious or avoidant in others. Let’s take a look at how these can show up in dating:

Secure Attachment: If you have a secure attachment style, you're likely to be comfortable with intimacy, trust your partner, and feel confident in your relationships. You have a healthy balance between independence and closeness, and you’re able to communicate openly about your needs. For example, you might feel comfortable spending time apart from your partner but also enjoy regular quality time together. You’re also likely to handle conflict well and seek mutual understanding when disagreements arise.
Anxious Attachment: People with an anxious attachment style often worry about being abandoned or not being loved enough. In dating, this might show up as needing constant reassurance from your partner, becoming upset if they don’t text back right away, or feeling overly dependent on their approval. If you're dating someone with an anxious attachment style, you might notice that they want to be close all the time and can get upset over small things—like you not replying to a message quickly enough. Their fear of rejection can sometimes lead to clinginess or difficulty setting boundaries.
Avoidant Attachment: Avoidant individuals tend to distance themselves from others emotionally. They may struggle with vulnerability and find it hard to express their emotions. If you’re dating someone with an avoidant attachment style, you might find that they pull away when you try to get closer or that they have a hard time opening up about their feelings. They might prioritize their independence and avoid situations that require emotional intimacy, which can sometimes feel confusing or frustrating to their partner.
Disorganized Attachment: Disorganized attachment is a more complicated and often unstable pattern. People with disorganized attachment often experience a mix of both anxious and avoidant behaviors. They may crave closeness but simultaneously push their partner away due to unresolved fears from childhood. In dating, this can look like someone sending mixed signals—being affectionate one moment and distant the next. These unpredictable behaviors can be difficult for both the individual with a disorganized attachment and their partner to navigate.

If both you and your partner can identify the attachment style with which you most resonate, you both will have a deeper understanding of each other and more ability to support each other. Exploring this together can lead to a deeper, more fulfilling relationship.

Remember, these patterns of relating to others form in childhood as survival mechanisms that keep us safe. Our bodies and minds are incredibly adaptive and work in these patterns to protect us, even if the patterns now come out in unhelpful or unhealthy ways. It’s important to note that these patterns can also change over time as well and that it is possible to develop more secure attachments. If you find yourself identifying with one of these attachment styles and want to explore how it impacts your dating life, I’m here to help. Therapy can provide valuable insights and tools for building more secure, fulfilling relationships. Our team would love to come alongside you in your personal journey!