How to Talk about Emotions with your Spouse
It has been said, “deal with your emotions or your emotions will deal with you”, but what does it even mean to “deal” with your emotions?
We all have emotions, whether we choose to acknowledge them or not, and often we respond in unhealthy ways which can negatively affect our daily lives. Our emotions also affect others, and others’ emotions affect us. So, what is the key to emotional health that leads to personal stability, satisfaction and thriving relationships?
First, our emotions are an important part of who we are, and it’s important to recognize what we are feeling throughout the day. Here are a few suggestions to help: (If you need help with emotional language, you can download a feelings wheel to help as an identification tool.)
Start your day with considering your first thoughts when waking up. Are you looking forward to the day? If not, why? What feelings do you have about your upcoming circumstances? Grab a journal and write them down or use the notes in your phone to keep track.
Throughout the day, notice where your feelings rise and fall as you interact with others. Do you feel nervous when engaging with others? Are you excited to see certain people? Does jealousy ever creep in at work? Did the emotions of those around me change my mood? How did you react? When did you feel at peace?
End your day with a thoughtful review and ask yourself a few questions that draw attention to your feelings. What experiences brought a smile to your face? When did you find yourself feeling impatient? Did you feel sad when you received bad news? Did you even feel sad at all? Was there any time that you felt angry?
Spend some time reflecting at the end of each week and notice any patterns of behavior or thought that might need additional attention if you notice an imbalance of positive and negative emotions. Ask yourself or seek counsel on what steps you can take to create a more balanced emotional presence in your life.
Second, when we don’t express our emotions within relationships, we can experience relational loneliness. Relationships are meant for connection and intimacy, we long for our partners, friends, parents, children, etc. to know how we are feeling, and when we don’t know how to communicate our feelings with them, we risk becoming relationally distant by reacting to our feelings instead of responding. Using tools like the feelings wheel or an emotions chart to give names to our emotions can help build up our emotional vocabulary. Additionally, responding to the emotions of others with empathy is extremely valuable. If someone shares or expresses emotion from the heart, a proper response is an emotional response. Having a heart-to-heart conversation will likely leave the person speaking from the heart feeling heard and acknowledged.
Last, we need to process unexpressed emotions that may have accumulated over time. Each of us has an emotional inner cup and strong emotions left unattended to will fill the cup quickly leading to an overflow on those around us. We can easily become accustomed to managing the symptoms, looking at our emotions as something we address with facts, logic, and reasoning. But emotions need to be handled with a bit more empathetic care. Our bodies will also respond to a full emotional cup in forms such as anxiety, depression, or low sexual desire. We may avoid pain with behaviors like drugs, alcohol, pornography, even work or any other activity that takes our attention away from the hurt. Physically we might experience high blood pressure, headaches, chronic fatigue, stomachaches, etc. A full emotional cup can also lead to sleeping or eating disorders, impulse control, controlling others, or losing control of our own temper.
As a young husband, I had no understanding of my emotions or how to process them, so I stuffed, numbed, or exploded when pushed outside of my comfort zone and my wife was on the receiving end of being married to a very emotionally unhealthy man. It almost broke us. She feels everything very deeply and longed to connect with me in an emotional way, and I simply didn’t know how. Thankfully, through growth in our faith and learning how to communicate with tools that allow both of us to be heard, validated, and responded to with empathy, we are now more connected than we were when we got married twenty-two years ago, and happier than we have ever been. The journey hasn’t been easy, and it hasn’t been quick, but it has been worth it.
All relationships are different, but emotional health plays a part no matter what the dynamic. Whether with parents, children, siblings, friends, neighbors, or even in office culture, when we choose to become emotionally fit, we will see a difference in our personal satisfaction with life, and in the relationships with those we care about or spend time with the most.
Like any new skill learned, good communication around emotions takes practice. You may also need some additional tools and someone to teach you how to use them in a safe space.
Do your relationships need to become more emotionally fit? Let us know how we can help.
Andy Batcheller
Counseling Associate
