Until recently, I never would have labeled myself as someone who struggles with codependency. However, I read the book Codependent No More (one of the most read self-help books ever), and let’s just say that my definition definitely changed and I realized this is an area of my life that could use some attention!

In her research and work, Melody Beattie explains that codependency is so much more than simply just needing someone else in order to be okay and secure. Yes, it can look like the classic clingy relationship and denying your own needs to prioritize another person, but it can also look like when you allow others to control your emotional well-being.

Beattie argues, "Most codependents are reactionary. We keep ourselves in a crisis state - adrenaline flowing, and muscles tensed, ready to react to emergencies that aren't usually emergencies. When we react, we forfeit our personal God-given power to think, feel, and behave in our best interest. We allow others to determine when we will be happy, when we will be peaceful, when we will be upset, and what we will say, and think and feel.” Sound familiar? Yep, me too. She goes on to write how "worrying, obsessing, and controlling are illusions. They are tricks we play on ourselves. We feel like we are doing something to solve our problems but we're not."

Before we can continue, we must first stop and consider where codependency comes from. Codependency is a biological adaptive survival strategy first and foremost. We all have it wired within our brains as a means of “survival.” Usually, it develops during your past in an influential relationship. It could have looked like…

Believing “I need to know what _____ is feeling in order to be okay, secure, happy, or safe.” Often this could have been a parent or any other significant figure in one’s life
Denying your own needs and emotions and then being “rewarded”
Not being able to tune into your own emotions because other people’s emotions or situations were much larger or more necessary at the time

So what may codependency look like for you today?

Believing, “I can only be happy if _____ is happy.”
Feeling responsible for someone else’s emotions
Letting someone else’s actions ruin your mood for the hour, day, or even week
Feeling constant worry, obsession, or the need to control another person’s life
Believing your self-worth and self-peace hinges on the other person
Noticing a large majority of your mental energy goes towards how someone else is living their life and how you think they should be living their life
Feeling drained by someone else on a regular basis

Saying “yes” regularly when you want to say “no”
Losing your cool when someone doesn’t act the way you think they should
Being a helicopter parent, spouse, sibling, employee, or friend
Taking on responsibility that is not yours
Seeking worth through being the caretaker
Feeling the instinct to fix, solve, control, or save
Being too afraid to set a boundary
Making decisions based on fear
Talking obsessively about one particular relationship
Absorbing someone else’s emotions or confusing someone else’s emotions for your own
Not maintaining healthy boundaries

Maybe pause and check mark which of these may apply to you. If any of these sound familiar, it could be worth asking yourself, “What can I do to not let this person's actions, lifestyle, and emotions control me so much?” Here are some ideas of where to start…

Recognize any codependent relationships in your life. Where is your mental energy going? What relationships are draining you? Is this at work with a coworker? At home with a child or spouse? On the phone with a parent?
Look for the patterns. If it’s just the occasional helping someone out or losing your cool when someone acts a certain way, that’s only human, but when it becomes a pattern where your own well-being is being impacted by someone else, you might be codependent.
Release the expectation that this person needs to change in order for you to feel better. As long as you hold onto this expectation, you will be allowing their life to control your emotional well-being! Do you want them to have that kind of power over you?
Learn to establish boundaries! These may be practical (ex: “I will no longer ______ when you ________” ) or more mental in nature (ex: “When you _______, I can remind myself that I do not have to let this decision dictate my well-being for the day)
Practice the difference between empathy and codependency. You might be thinking, well codependency sounds a lot like empathy. However, empathy is when we feel with people and codependency is when we feel because of other people. Learn to pause before responding in order to engage in empathy and not codependency.

Here are some examples of the difference between empathy and codependency…

Codependency: “I need to control you in order to protect you.”

Empathy: “I can’t control your actions and decisions. I can only hope and want the best for you.”

Codependency: “My worth is found in being there for you.”

Empathy: “I can be there for you and know my worth isn’t found in being your caretaker.”

Codependency: “I need to rescue you from your destructive behaviors.”

Empathy: “I hurt to see you making poor choices and I want so much more for you, yet I cannot save you from the consequences of your decisions.”

Codependency: “I need you to be okay in order for me to be okay.”

Empathy: “When you aren’t okay, I can show tender compassion to you and still be okay on my own.”

Codependency: “Your distress is my distress.”

Empathy: “I can try to help you through what you’re going through while still prioritizing my own emotional needs.”

Codependency: “I love you more than I love myself.”

Empathy: “I love myself so that I can love you.”

Remember, obsessing over someone else’s behavior likely is not going to change anyone except you! It’s only going to take your joy and peace. So you are invited to take off the heavy backpack of the weight of someone else’s emotions and actions and allow it to happen without letting it leave a lasting impact on you. Yes, naturally, people’s actions will affect us, but we have the power to control how much it will affect us. Often, in sessions, I compare this idea to a sponge and a rubber ducky. Can we let the water float off our backs like the duck or are we going to absorb all of it like the sponge and become heavy by doing so?

If codependency is an area of your life that you would like to work on, we would love to come alongside you in finding more freedom in your relationships and ultimately more peace in your life. We also would highly encourage you to look into the work “Codependent No More” and anything else by Melody Beattie if you are seeking additional support for breaking the patterns of codependency.