How your attachment styles play into your holidays with family
This week, the calendar flipped over to November and on the first day I saw a house already decorated for the holidays and heard seasonal music playing in a store. I noticed a social media post commenting on the variety of opinions around this subject. Some think it’s too early; some can hardly wait for the glow of holiday lights to fill up the streets.
The feelings around this time of year are divided and I can understand. As someone who previously owned a landscaping company, I had nightmares about being buried alive in piles and piles of leaves, while others simply loved all things Fall.
The truth is, we don’t all feel the same about the changing seasons or approaching holidays, and our expectations or historical experience of what each season can bring may leave us feeling a little off balance, especially if we don’t look forward to what society suggests should be the “most wonderful time of the year.”
We may not all feel the same about the holidays, but at our core, we all share one thing. All human beings are wired for love and the holidays tend to remind us of this longing.
How can we find a sense of balance and peace in the chaos of the holiday season?
If I’m being honest, I don’t always tend to lean into my emotions. My deepest longings aren’t where I spend my time in thought, and so I can go into social situations and be caught off guard by what pops up in me. When I was in high school, I was surrounded by friends and family and still felt lonely. It made no sense and felt so confusing for the longest time until I had help learning that my loneliness was a red flag of longing for deeper connections in those relationships.
Fast forward to 2023, and here we are as a society in the midst of a loneliness epidemic. That red flag of loneliness leads me to ask these questions. Could it be that we are all longing for deeper relational connection? If we aren’t connected to each other, what are we connected to? What are we attaching ourselves to in order to find the satisfaction that we are searching for?
We all want to feel safe, secure and find a sense of belonging, we want to be known, and understood. What a much different world it would be if we were all provided with this early form of secure love. But just because we weren’t all raised in a home full of love with emotionally healthy parents doesn’t mean we aren’t capable of love.
Remember, at our core, we are all wired for love.
What if we showed up as the friend or family member this holiday season who provided that for someone else?
I’m going to suggest what may seem to you like crazy things, but bear with me. The goal here isn’t for me to hear myself talk; I actually want you to enjoy the holidays and I am hopeful that these tools will help.
Its’s going to take some effort on your part but consider skipping the stress about the perfect present and consider this as a gift to those you love.
As you head into the holidays, you can lower the anxiety of others and increase your own enjoyment with these simple tips.
Be prepared.
Breathe.
Be calm and consistent.
Listen and speak with your heart.
Acknowledge the feelings of others.
Don’t become defensive.
Remember that good communication is a key to good relationships.
Find the good around you.
Focus on the needs of others.
Center on giving, not getting.
Ask questions.
Look at others with compassion, not criticism.
Be prepared.
*Note the double down on “be prepared”. This really makes a difference and if all of this feels like something you could use some help with, we are here.
Sometimes it takes a little time to really reflect on what's happening in our own life in order to show up well for others. Sometimes we need somebody else to walk us through our emotions in order to make it all seem a little less confusing and truly begin to enjoy what life has to offer in authentic relationship. Sometimes our attachments need attention.
I know, I’ve been there.
So, whether you are the person who looks forward to gatherings seemingly full of happiness and good cheer or the one who would prefer to hide from awkward social exchanges that leave you feeling less than joyful, either way the holidays are coming.
Are you ready?
Andy Batcheller
Counseling Associate
