The Neuroscience of Self Compassion
If you had to ask me what it is I want for my clients more than anything else, it would be self compassion. Regardless of age or presenting problem, I notice that just about everyone struggles to show themselves love. “I don’t measure up” and “I’m not good enough” are sadly the narratives so many of my clients are trapped in. When I suggest extending self compassion, many are hesitant because they don’t think being soft towards themselves will ultimately work in getting the result they want. Our culture has sadly labeled self compassion as a weakness and self criticism as a strength.
So why do we do it? Why are we so hard on ourselves and beat ourselves up?
Here’s the biological answer…the brain is wired to keep us safe and protect us. Somewhere along the way, we have developed the message that we must look for the negative even in ourselves in order to stay “safe” and thrive. In human evolution, we were wired to look for the flaw instead of what was good in order to survive and be accepted by the group. The brain has the notion that by criticizing ourselves enough, it will lead to lasting change. While the brain means well in this attempt to get us to change, research supports that long lasting healthy growth will simply not occur when motivated by self-criticism. We might think we are accomplishing something by engaging in this “do better” mindset, yet ultimately this illusion keeps us trapped in an ongoing cycle of self criticism.
Don’t believe me? Let’s look at the science.
When we hear negative thoughts in our head like… “Why am I like this? This always happens to me. Why do I feel this way? I always make this mistake. I should have known better” the brain starts to think it is in “danger” to a threat. As a chemical response, the brain produces more cortisol, the stress hormone. This cortisol is intended to handle physical threats in the body and keep us safe, yet it is also just as activated by emotional threats- even if that threat is coming from ourselves! So instead of being able to successfully handle the difficult situation and emotion, we are flooded with even more stress.
So what should we do instead?
In the midst of a difficult moment, self-compassion is needed. When the brain yields to self-compassion, oxytocin is released. This chemical signals to the brain and body that we are not in fact in danger - we are safe. The thoughts stop racing and the body relaxes. When the survival instinct turns off, the deeper logical thinking in the prefrontal cortex turns on. As a result of extending self-compassion, we are calmer and more equipped to effectively respond to our pain rather than react to our pain.
Here is a step by step guide on how to facilitate self-compassion…
Notice the difficult emotion in a moment of pain. Perhaps it is anger, sadness, grief, jealousy. Consider where it is occurring in your body and what is leading to it. Before you can do anything with it, you must stop and pause to recognize what emotional suffering you are experiencing.
Ponder why your emotion makes sense given your current circumstances. Although this act of validating your emotion may sound simple, we all long to feel understood, even by ourselves! Once we feel validated, relief increases and stress decreases.
Extend compassion to yourself for what you are feeling. Perhaps put a hand on the part of your body that feels the most tense and extend compassion towards it or say to yourself, “This is hard and what I am feeling makes sense.”
