What goes through your mind once your kid or teen has lost their mind? When their tears are flowing, they are throwing toys, and the words they just uttered cut you surprisingly deep, what is your first instinct as a parent?
What do I do? Even as a therapist, when my kid was a young toddler and would lose it, I would find myself losing it too. Or I would go inward, putting the pressure on myself to fix my kid. It's easy to fall into the belief that, "If I say the right thing or do the right thing, he'll get it, he'll change, or he will stop." All the pressure is on me, in that moment to do the "perfect" thing to get him to behave. And that wasn't just a personal struggle, I hear it from clients all the time in my therapy office. What tripped me up back then and trips the parents of my clients now is the belief that good parenting is stopping bad behavior. But parenting isn't all about controlling, changing, or fixing a kid. Parenting is so much more!
The book that I have found helpful as a parent and in my work with parents, is The Power of Showing Up. Authors Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson say "It’s not about saying or doing the perfect thing to get your child to behave. Parenting is about showing up consistently and offering your child the Four S’s—helping them feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. This is what builds a strong foundation for their emotional and relational development." In their book, they share how these 4 simple words can tame the emotional pain of the moment for our children and also create a healthy and stable relationship that can last a lifetime.
1. Safe Safety is the foundation of any healthy relationship. As parents, we often go to define safety as putting child locks on medicine cabinets and childproofing every square inch of the house. But for children, feeling safe means they know their environment is predictable, and they are free from physical harm or emotional intimidation.
What this looks like in the home: • Managing our own stress responses so that we don’t unintentionally react in ways that feel threatening to our kids (e.g., yelling or shaming). • We are consistently available both physically and emotionally. • Making our presence feel like a place they can recharge.
Takeaway for parents: We’re not perfect, and moments of losing our cool will happen. The most comforting part of this system is that our mistakes actually become relationship strengtheners. When we intentionally acknowledge and apologize when we handle a situation poorly, we repair and rebuild that sense of safety and actually strengthen their belief that if we lose our cool next time, we will come back to them.
2. Seen To feel seen is to know that someone truly understands you. This goes beyond noticing when your child is hungry or tired; it means getting on their level and thinking about the world from their perspective. What is important to them? Do they feel like we get them?
What this looks like in practice: • Making time for one-on-one moments where our children can talk to us without distractions. • Asking open-ended questions like, “How are you feeling about that?” or “What was the best part of your day?” • Reflecting back what you hear: “It sounds like you felt left out when your friend didn’t invite you to play. That must have been really hard.”
Takeaway for parents: We have our own unique perspective that sometimes gets in the way of understanding our children. We may know it is not a big deal if our kid did not get to sit next to their friend in class, or was picked last in football once, but to them, it can feel deeply embarrassing or painful. By pointing out what they are feeling, we are showing them we understand what they feel and that we know their desires, fears, and hopes.
3. Soothed Soothing means being a source of comfort for your child when they’re overwhelmed or upset. When kids learn they can count on us to help them calm down, they begin to internalize that skill for themselves over time. What this looks like in practice:
• Remaining stable while they are unstable. • Saying things like, “I’m here for you. Let’s take a deep breath together.” • Helping them label their emotions (“You seem really frustrated right now”) to make their feelings less scary.
Takeaway for parents: My child doesn’t need me to fix everything. Sometimes, just being there and providing reassurance is enough. When our children are emotionally unstable, they are looking for us to remain stable for them and teach them how to respond to their emotions. By keeping our emotions in check, we can model for them how to handle scary emotions together.
4. Secure When kids feel safe, seen, and soothed consistently, they develop a deep sense of security. This "secure attachment" becomes the foundation for their relationships and resilience throughout life. What this looks like in practice:
• Being reliable: showing up consistently, even in small ways, so your child knows they can depend on you. • Building trust through everyday interactions—whether it's keeping promises or apologizing when we get it wrong. • Our children learn what a healthy, secure relationship feels like.
Takeaway for parents: Building security is not about being a perfect parent; it’s about being a "good enough" parent who consistently shows up. Mistakes are inevitable, but repair and reconnection matter most. I often think of this as the greatest gift we can give our children: the knowledge that we’ll be there no matter what.
Final Thoughts Parenting is messy, and none of us will get it right all the time. But by showing up emotionally and physically for our kids, we’re giving them the gift of connection and security—a foundation that will impact their entire lives in extraordinary ways.
If you’re ready to explore how to bring these principles into your family’s daily life, I'd love to support you! Together, we can tailor the Four S’s to your unique family dynamic, strengthen relationships, and create an environment where your child feels safe, seen, soothed, and secure. Let’s work together to build the tools and connections that will set your child—and your family—on a path toward resilience, growth, and long-term success.
Meet The Author Stephen DavisCounseling Associate
“We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.” - Bill Watterson
