What is your attachment style and why does it matter?

We all have an attachment style that develops over time. It starts with our first relationships in life - our families. We learn how to relate with other people based on how our first caregivers related to us.

A little history on attachment…John Bowlby (1969) was the first to discover that our earliest bonds with our caregivers largely shape how we will continue to navigate relationships throughout the rest of our lives. He discovered that if infants have an attuned caregiver throughout their early development, then they will develop a secure attachment. Mary Ainsworth later in the 1970s continued his research on attachment in her famous “strange situation” study and found that infants need their caregiver to be a secure base when going into unfamiliar environments.

Knowing your attachment style can help you move towards healthier relationships. Here are some simplified definitions of what attachment might look like for you or others in your life…

Anxious Attachment Style:

• Negative view of self, positive view of others

• High codependence - “I’m only okay if you are okay.”

• Typically had parents who were emotionally needy

• Agreeing to do tasks you are not responsible for out of fear of what others might think of you

• Ruminating on interactions and how you were perceived by others

• People pleasing anyone??

• Being clingy

• Needing constant reassurance

• Discomfort being alone

• Low self-esteem

• Don’t know themselves outside of the context of a relationship (i.e. “I’m _____’s boyfriend, I’m ______’s daughter, I’m _______’s sister”)

• Highly sensitive and quick to emotions

• Quick to hold onto resentment out of fear for themselves

• Greatest fears = abandonment and rejection 

• Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Are we okay?

Avoidant Attachment Style:

• Positive view of self, negative view of others

• High independence - “i’m okay on my own.”

• Typically had parents who were emotionally unavailable so they learned to survive on their own

• Feeling like people can’t be trusted

• Emotional needs? Ya right.

• Inability to ask people for help

• Discomfort talking about emotions in relationships, likely to avoid emotions at all costs

• “People are going to hurt me anyways so why let them in?”

• Comfortable within their walls

• Shuts down quickly when asked to be vulnerable 

• Logical by nature

• Usually had a traumatic experience where they learned that people can’t be trusted

Dismissive Attachment Style:

• Negative view of self, negative view of others

• Go back and forth between anxious and avoidant style traits

• Typically had parents who were emotionally unpredictable 

• Most found in those with a history of emotional abuse

• Wants connection but is afraid of letting people in

• High inconsistency within relationships

• Either high desire for closeness or high desire for distance

• See themselves as damaged from past

• “I hate you, don’t leave me”

• High emotional extremes 

• Caregivers were unpredictable

• Wants emotional closeness, yet scared to let people in

Secure Attachment Style:

• Positive view of self, positive view of others

• Able to verbalize their emotions and needs without being afraid of being a burden

• Typically had parents who were emotionally healthy

• Comfortable being on their own and being close to others

• Effective communication

• Not worried about abandonment or rejection

• Has long term friendships 

• Able to set boundaries 

• Feels a sense of purpose and fulfillment from relationships

• High self-esteem

• Reaches out for help when struggling 

If you are interested in learning more about your attachment style, The Attachment Project is a great place to start. They provide a great quiz that we often use with clients to further understand the way they relationally navigate the world. Additionally, every provider on our team is trained in Attachment Theory and would love to help you move towards a secure attachment style. 

(www.attachmentproject.com)

It is important to note that attachment styles are NOT fixed throughout one’s life. Thus, it IS possible to move towards a secure attachment. If you are looking to move towards a secure attachment style, here are a few steps to consider…

1. Spend time reflecting on your childhood and considering what early messages you received as a child about emotions, relationships, yourself, etc. 

2. Name what relationships in your life have shaped you most (for better or worse)

3. Listen to how you feel in the context of current relationships. Maybe rate your satisfaction on a scale of 1-10. 

4. Notice any patterns you seem to be exhibiting when it comes to relationships.

5. Try to identify where you fall in the attachment categories. Maybe take the Attachment Project Quiz.

6. Ask yourself, “How do I want my relationship with myself and others to be different?”

7. Consider what relationships in your life are most life-giving and most life-draining. 

8. Seek to grow in your self-esteem by challenging any cognitive distortions that are holding you back.

9. Practice verbalizing your emotions with people who feel safe to you

10. Talk to a trained professional about how you can heal and move towards a secure attachment

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Meet the Author - Sarah Durrance

Licensed Associate Professional Counselor

In a world that consistently promotes doing better and trying harder, Sarah aims to create an environment where you can let your defenses down, receive support, and know you are not on this journey alone.