As a parent, have you found yourself asking, “Do I do something or do I let them figure this out on their own?” Maybe your like me, and feel the inclination to and fix it anytime something wrong happens in a child’s life, yet by doing so, we could be robbing children of the opportunity to grow and learn in emotional and social development. There are times when your child would benefit from you allowing them to navigate their own challenges, yet there are also times when your child may need some extra support.

When to let them fight their own battles

When you have directly given your child a request based on logic, they may need to learn from the natural consequences of their decisions. Some examples of this may include the following…

If they don’t want to eat what is served, then they may be hungry later.
If they don’t want to bring a coat after you have suggested it, then they may be cold.
If they don’t do their project ahead of time, then they may experience the stress of doing it all the night before (and let’s be real, you will too)

Although these are broad examples, hopefully you get the idea that children can benefit from learning the natural consequences of their own decisions. By allowing them to learn from their own mistakes, you will experience the aftermath of these decisions (which could make you question everything!) However, you might have to endure a few occasions of meltdowns, to prevent the ongoing progression of meltdowns.

After the fact, it could be helpful to process what they have learned from the experience in a gentle and not condescending tone. Next time one of these situations rolls around, you can gently remind your child of what they learned in the last experience. These experiences and discussions will foster new neural connections in their young brains that set them up well for success in their futures!

What about when your child isn’t getting along with a peer in class? In moments of social conflict between your child and his or her friends, it could also be helpful to allow them to consider what might help them remediate the conflict. You could ask questions like…

“What do YOU think might help make things better between you guys?”
“What do YOU think might make things worse between you guys?”
“What were YOU feeling when that happened? What do YOU think _____ was feeling?”
“What do YOU want to do differently next time something like this happens?”
“What can YOU do to work things out?”

Ultimately, they will learn from having a sense of agency over their decisions both big and small! This agency also fosters their emotional development and independence.

When to Intervene

Before discussing specifically when to intervene with your child, the most important thing to remember is you have to be emotionally regulated in order to regulate your child. So if you are not calm and collected, you might need to take a minute (or a few!) and calm down your nervous system so that you can guide your child in calming down their nervous system. You will be a mirror for their emotional regulation, so it is crucial to implement practices that might help you lower your own distress in the moment.

Parents often describe how this is very difficult in the heat of the moment, yet a goal can be to at least lower your distress level even if you can’t get rid of it. Here are some ways you can regulate your nervous system before intervening with your child…

Purposeful shaking in your body (Ex: shaking your hands, jumping side to side)
Deep sigh and exhale
Unclenching your jaw and softening your shoulders
Splashing water on your face
Deep breathing exercises
Stretching your muscles (ex: hip circles, arm swings, swaying, lunges)

Once you are regulated, here are some signs your child might need your intervention…

If they are visibly distressed…and it only seems to be escalating! Some examples of this could be hyperventilating, becoming physically aggressive, excessive crying, shaking, ruminating thoughts, etc.
If the situation becomes dangerous to anyone involved or someone could be harmed either physically or emotionally
If it is a repeated or cyclical behavior that they are not learning from
If you have given them an appropriate amount of time to attempt to solve this dilemma, yet they still appear stuck and distressed
If they are in the developmental stage where they have not learned what is appropriate in this given situation (There are lots of accessible resources that describe what is and is not appropriate behavior wise for your child’s developmental stage!)

*It is also important to note that your child might need more intervention if they have any type of neurocognitive disorder that delays them in their emotional development.

Although these are very basic guidelines and are by no means meant to be a formula for when and when not to intervene, at the end of the day, trust your parent intuition. Possibly you could ask yourself, “Is my intervention absolutely necessary?” If so, proceed! If no, maybe wait and see if they can figure it out on their own. The hope is that the more your child receives the healthy balance between support and freedom from you on how to deal with conflict and emotional dysregulation, then they will be able to confidently implement it in their own lives. And don’t forget…you can be a model for them (more than anyone else can!) simply based on how you deal with your own distress levels.

Not only do our counselors at Simplify Life specialize in helping children understand emotional regulation, but we also help guide parents in gaining skills and tools to foster their own emotional regulation. Some of our counselors work specifically with parents to help equip and coach them to parent with more confidence and less chaos! If you feel that you or your child could benefit from receiving some extra emotional support, do not hesitate to reach out to someone on our team.