Expectations and Communication around Emotional Needs
“I don’t have any needs.” That would have been my go-to reply twenty years ago if someone had asked me what my needs were. I was programmed to believe that I had all I needed, and if I didn’t have it, I could figure out a way to provide it for myself. It was a lonely place to live, and I knew that something was off, but I didn’t realize that my loneliness was directly related to my inability to acknowledge that I did, in fact, have needs.
I was still living inside that framework for doing life when I got married, but it soon became evident that the false truth I was living by didn’t only affect me. My wife and I had an ongoing battle over attention, affirmation, respect, understanding, and physical affection, just to name a few, and it should have been an early indicator that something was missing, but we were clueless. Her attempts to share her needs with me, coupled with my tone of voice and inability to hear her without becoming defensive was destructive and it led to a cycle of painful communication that we stayed in for years.
Thankfully, we learned over time that holding each other to expectations that were never communicated, especially the expectation that we would be able to “complete” one another, as so many romance movies suggested, was a set up for heartbreak.
Individually, our emotional fulfillment began to be met in our growing faith, which helped us to take a step back and be a bit humbler in our approach to one another. We learned how to communicate with love and share in vulnerable ways about the needs that we had and our ability to meet those for each other came from a place of desire instead of expectation. We realized that we could help support each other emotionally, but we couldn’t be the only way for each other to feel fulfilled and content.
What Are Emotional Needs?
An emotional need is "a craving that, when satisfied, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment, and, when unsatisfied, leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration." All humans have emotional needs, and when those needs are met, we experience emotional fulfillment.
From birth, we have these five core needs:
To have safe, secure relationships with loved ones.
To feel it’s OK to make mistakes and be imperfect.
To say how we feel and what we need.
To have loving discipline and structure that isn’t mean in tone.
To feel free to be joyful, spontaneous, and creative.
Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor who specializes in helping clients face relationship issues, suggests a four-step process for thinking about your own emotional needs. This process comes from the field of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).
An easy way to remember the four steps is with the mnemonic STOP:
S stands for stop: When you feel that your emotional needs are not being met, stop. "Don’t react, just freeze," says Romanoff. "Freezing for a moment helps prevent you from doing something impulsive, dismissing your needs, or acting without thinking."
T stands for taking a step back: If you feel overwhelmed, it’s difficult to identify your needs. "Give yourself some time to calm down and process how you’re feeling," says Romanoff. "Take a step back, either mentally or physically, from the situation." Use deep breathing to help regulate your emotions.
O stands for observe: Look at what is happening around and within you. Who is involved? What are they doing or saying? "It is important not to jump to conclusions," Romanoff advises. "Instead, gather the relevant facts to understand what is going on and what you need."
P stands for proceeding mindfully: Romanoff suggests asking yourself, "What do I need from this situation? What is my goal? What decision or behavior would make this situation better or worse?"
