When Helping Hurts- For Family Members of those with OCD
We hear all the time “I’m so OCD” when someone is being particular or super tidy and while they are often saying this in humor, OCD is not just being super tidy or neat. To show you a quick example of the differences between OCD and being “picky”, we’ve included a chart below.
Many people who suffer from OCD on a daily basis and go undiagnosed for a while since there is often shame attached to its message. We notice that many of our clients suffering with OCD know that their thoughts are irrational but the thoughts are so persistent and unpleasant, it feels impossible to resist. For example, someone whose OCD tells them to wash their hands or check the doors an excessive amount of time feels embarrassed sharing this with others. Much less those who suffer with OCD thoughts that threaten their safety and those whom they love with harm OCD. Not only are the individuals with OCD suffering but their families are as well. Since the diagnosis can be undetected for years, families are also struggling to find out how to support their family member. Since an obsessive thought causes great distress and obsessions urge people to do unpleasant rituals, when the individual doesn’t follow the OCD orders perfectly, it can result in panic attacks, lashing out in anger or even depression.
It’s human instinct to step in and see how we can help when someone we love is suffering. Since infancy, “good parents” learn how to listen for their baby, sooth and comfort him/her. If a parent didn’t jump to the infants aid when crying, it would be concerning. Right? However, with an OCD family member, even though your brain might be screaming to tell you that you need to help by taking away the anxiety, when it comes to OCD, that makes the OCD worse. This is when “helping” your loved one with OCD hurts the individual (and you). When we say helping, we are referring to the OCD term of accommodating. And this term refers to anything a family member does to help relieve or prevent anxiety for the individual with OCD. (https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer-professional/role-family-accommodations?utm_source=chatgpt.com)
In a study by the NIH, researching family’s involvement with kids who had OCD showed that providing reassurances or even participating in the OCD ritual, is associated with the OCD’s level becoming more severe. In another study of 150 families, 99.3% of parents exhibited accommodation for the family member with OCD. (ijponline.biomedcentral.com). Sometimes family members don’t even know that they are contributing or enabling the OCD. We’ve seen parents and spouses come in our office sharing that they unknowingly were reinforcing the OCD by offering reassurances, enabling avoidant behaviors and accommodating the OCD for years. Identifying if your attempts to provide aid is actually helping or hurting is challenging to decipher, we’ve included some items to help you see it more clearly. Please know that this list isn’t exhaustive, but just a simple screen to help you have clarity.
For your child or family member, do you:
Reassure your family member that there are no grounds for his/her OCD (example- reassure them that their hands aren’t durty after cleaning them compulsively)
Reassure them that they have done rituals enough to take care of the concern (example- you’ve already checked the toaster several times, I’m sure it’s off by now.
You wait for your loved one to complete tasks, even if that means you arrive late or miss certain commitments, so your loved one can complete compulsive behaviors.
You participate in the compulsive behavior (example- you help position the stuffed animals on the floor in the “perfect way” so your kid will go to sleep, or you say “I love you” a set amount of times for them to go to sleep)
You do things that make it possible for your loved one to complete compulsions (you drive your child back home after getting to school so they can check their hair straightener)
Make excuses or lie for the family member with OCD so they can complete their rituals.
If you answered yes to some of these statements, then it might be helpful to talk with one of our OCD therapists at Simplify Life about how you can most helpfully assist your loved one. While it is hard to see your loved one suffer, it’s harder to know that you are actively contributing to the problem that enslaves your loved one. We often find that parents of those with OCD benefit from even engaging in their own therapy to manage their anxiety and discomfort after learning that their old patterns were hurtful instead of helpful.
If you’d like to learn more about OCD or know how to help loved ones with it, we encourage you to reach out today! While OCD doesn’t ever “go away” we use the most researched and proven methods of treating OCD with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). We love working with individuals and their families to not only teach them these methods but walk with them throughout the entire process. We are here for you and would love to help you or your loved one feel more relief with OCD!
