Parenting by Design
Perhaps more than ever before, motherhood is wrought with doubt and guilt at every turn. Whether working outside the home, staying at home, or some combination of the two, a common refrain heard from so many mothers is the pervasive feeling of falling short. What is at the root of this widespread problem, and more importantly, how can we combat the lies and live at peace as the mothers we were designed to be?
A Closer Look
While this feeling of ‘not enough’ can be impacted by a myriad of factors, comparison certainly tops the list of causes. While comparison is an age old trap, access to sources of comparisons have never been so readily available around the clock through just the tap of a screen. What was once limited for past generations to a small pool of people they came across at playground play dates or PTO meetings has now taken residence in our homes and hearts with little reprieve.
Not only is the invitation to compare constant, the data set isn’t even reliable. We are barraged with comparing our real lives to a worldwide sized pool of friends’, acquaintances’, and strangers’ curated moments.Yet acknowledging that social media and technology create comparison to unrealistic standards only scratches the surface of the problem.
The ‘Why’ of the Problem
Open your phone and you’re likely to scroll through a stream of parents cooking organic meals, homeschooling their kids, navigating treacherous trails, volunteering at the school, banishing technology, hosting pinterest-worthy parties, and more. The heart of the problem comes in here: our minds fuse all of these images into one singular super-mom. We then set this franken-mom into the standard we just can’t seem to meet. The problem? She NEVER existed. She is 20+ different moms, each of whom we are only seeing bits and pieces of, yet this mythical creature sets a standard that we need to be doing it all, all of the time.
The Shift and The Solution
Most of us know that the first line of defense is editing our input. Mute, unfollow, or eliminate the sources that most often trigger you into a comparison cycle. But what to do from there? Technology may aid and abet comparison, but if we don’t go deeper to address what is going on in our own hearts and minds no social media fast will be enough to truly kill the beast.
So reduce and cut out the major comparison triggers, but then lean in and learn yourself and the mom you were designed to be. This is where the true changes happen. Seek, study, and prayerfully consider the gifts, talents, and abilities you have been given. It is no accident that your children have been given the mother that they were given in you. As you discern your own strengths and weaknesses and lean into operating more deeply out of those, you will be able to release the comparison to the parents who have a completely different set of strengths and weaknesses. As you you are able to embrace your own design, you will be able to release the grip of comparison and celebrate who you are as mother and who others are.
Tyler Drouet
MA, Ed.S.
Parent Coach
